Change

I’ve been dodging change for years now. There was a time when I was so contented of myself, of the people around me, of how my life was…I was so contented I lost someone in exchange for that contentment. And then I became the good person I thought I never was to start with. I put other people’s needs before mine. I was still stubborn and bratty and aggressive. But I became more lenient to others, and less forgiving to myself.

It all started from the mentality that if I change I might lose people in return. And that maybe if I stay right where I am, I will be safe.

But lately I’ve realized that I need to change. I’ve needed it for so long even my body is falling apart just to make me see that I need to revolutionize and start all over again.

I’m not only talking about my job and my career. I’m also talking about myself. How I see things. How I spend weekends. How I can’t imagine walking around the mall by myself when in fact I was able to do this years ago. How I can’t believe in myself enough to realize that I can take care of myself. How I let go of my dreams and started doubting I’ll ever fulfill them.

I need to change.

And so I went and took my first step towards change. I got a haircut.

For months now I have been hankering on wearing my hair in a short chic bob. And every time I mustered the guts to do it, when I got to the salon I’d chicken out. I settled for bangs in exchange. Or a color treatment. Or a perm. I’ve worn my hair long for years now. A little modification once in a while. But it had always been the same old long hair I've always had, the same old, safe look.

When the stylist cut each section off, I felt scared and excited. It might just be a haircut to anybody else, but for me it was courage and bravery and acceptance. It was acknowledging I needed change in my life.

The stylist took more than half of the original length of my hair. And when the girl assigned to blow dry my hair started her task and faced me in the mirror with a wistful smile and the question: “Do you regret it? He took almost everything”, I genuinely smiled back at her and replied “No. This is what I want”.

And I meant it.

And when it was over I was giddy at my new look. I looked fresh and young and rejuvenated. Seeing myself in a new light made me hopeful. And it made me braver than ever.

I learned that in order for me to really change, I have to leap into the situation. Not unprepared. Not unaware of the consequences. But leap into it with acceptance and courage. There’s no other way to do it.

I learned that change means letting go of certain things…sometimes it could mean letting go of almost everything you have. But you have to have faith and believe that it will all be worth it.

I learned that in order to change I have to trust myself that I can make it. I can make change happen in my life. And the next choices I am going to make, whether it’s as petty as buying new curtains or as big as standing up for myself and telling the world (or at the very least, my manager), that I am tired of what I am doing and I am not happy anymore, will all be for change.

And I learned that change can hurt. In fact, it will hurt. But the pain will be the friction you need in order to differentiate yourself from being a rock and becoming a diamond. The hurt will mold and hone you... twist and deframe and coil every single corner, curve, and spot of your entity, to the point that you will feel destroyed and broken... Until you realize that you were meant to be broken... so that you can be re-pieced in to a better model...a better you.

Life is too short. And I vow to make things more interesting by embracing change.





me and my new hair :)