Thursday, September 25, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
I am the Hermit...
Took the "Which Tarot Card are You" test...and turns out, it's a bit more accurate than I expected. See for yourself.
You are The Hermit
Prudence, Caution, Deliberation.
The Hermit points to all things hidden, such as knowledge and inspiration,hidden enemies. The illumination is from within, and retirement from participation in current events.
The Hermit is a card of introspection, analysis and, well, virginity. You do not desire to socialize; the card indicates, instead, a desire for peace and solitude. You prefer to take the time to think, organize, ruminate, take stock. There may be feelings of frustration and discontent but these feelings eventually lead to enlightenment, illumination, clarity.
The Hermit represents a wise, inspirational person, friend, teacher, therapist. This a person who can shine a light on things that were previously mysterious and confusing.
You are The Hermit
Prudence, Caution, Deliberation.
The Hermit points to all things hidden, such as knowledge and inspiration,hidden enemies. The illumination is from within, and retirement from participation in current events.
The Hermit is a card of introspection, analysis and, well, virginity. You do not desire to socialize; the card indicates, instead, a desire for peace and solitude. You prefer to take the time to think, organize, ruminate, take stock. There may be feelings of frustration and discontent but these feelings eventually lead to enlightenment, illumination, clarity.
The Hermit represents a wise, inspirational person, friend, teacher, therapist. This a person who can shine a light on things that were previously mysterious and confusing.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Vintage Article #5
Pensive as Pablo… ;( November 5th, 2006 by emzkwe
Because i feel crummy.
Because the rest of the world is drowning in cheerful Christmas songs.
Because i’ve heard the shriek and laughter of little kids.
Because seeing lovers holding hands have been giving a HUGE tug at my heart.
Because my head hurts from too much sleep.
Because my heart aches from the lack of good slumber.
Because a mosquito just bit me.
Because despite admitting that I’m just succumbing to all the melodrama… Life really isn’t just the same these days…
Because I just realized, I really AM freakin’ in love…
*********
I do not love you…
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never bloomsbut carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;so I love you because I know no other way
that this: where I does not exist, nor you,so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
-Pablo Neruda
Because i feel crummy.
Because the rest of the world is drowning in cheerful Christmas songs.
Because i’ve heard the shriek and laughter of little kids.
Because seeing lovers holding hands have been giving a HUGE tug at my heart.
Because my head hurts from too much sleep.
Because my heart aches from the lack of good slumber.
Because a mosquito just bit me.
Because despite admitting that I’m just succumbing to all the melodrama… Life really isn’t just the same these days…
Because I just realized, I really AM freakin’ in love…
*********
I do not love you…
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never bloomsbut carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;so I love you because I know no other way
that this: where I does not exist, nor you,so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
-Pablo Neruda
Vintage Article #4
It’ll be better in the morning…May 14th, 2007 by emzkwe
Somebody once told me, while my heart was breaking into a million pieces, and my soul was shattered and divided into numerous unidentified entities, on the day I became a completely different person, unrecognizable and pitiful, "It’ll be better in the morning…"
I was dumbfounded at such an arrogant, simple-minded line. I wanted to scream at him. How could it be? How could it be better in the effing morning?!
But to make long a story short, I was forced into swallowing that utterly unjustified line. A line I couldn’t have deserved to hear at such a time. A line I didn’t know, would mean so much to me later on.
Yes, later on… A million mornings, and a couple of years after… I finally felt what he meant. I woke up and it hit me. My life finally made sense. The wounds finally blended with my smiles. And the past finally made me see how beautiful my todays could be, despite the scratches, and the scars, the burns, and the bruises.
Finding that perfect morning, was finding the light after years of staying in the dark. By that I mean, I never got over that bull of a line, and I never got over not screaming my head off at that well… ‘person’. But when you came, you even tagged along the butterflies and the Sun.
I pray that for every morning I live to see, for every ray of light that peeps through my windows, I will remember what a blessing you have been in my life. That despite all the tough times, you were the light that got me home, and you ARE the home I have away from home. My family, my best friend.
I pray that life will shower us with beautiful mornings together…better and better each day. That love will embrace us and make us, me especially, see how rare each morning is… And that it’ll never be too late to fix things… because we’re not just living for today… We’ve finally found a reason to live through tomorrow…and tomorrow…and tomorrow.
I pray that I’ll see things clearer somehow. And that I’ll remember why were together in the first place. It’s so simple… but it’s human to forget and take it forgranted, I guess. I pray for strength to hold on… because God knows you are who I’ve always wanted to be with.
And I pray that we will continue to love each other no matter what…not because I wanna show that simple-minded creature that I was better off without him, not because of the giddy feeling my now lost butterflies have brought me, not because it’s too hard to start over, not because I’m scared there’s nobody else out there…But because you and I… well, we’ll make perfect days out of each other’s lifetimes… And that’s worth waking up in the morning for.
I never thought I’d say and see this in a totally different light..It’ll be better in the morning…
I love you.
Somebody once told me, while my heart was breaking into a million pieces, and my soul was shattered and divided into numerous unidentified entities, on the day I became a completely different person, unrecognizable and pitiful, "It’ll be better in the morning…"
I was dumbfounded at such an arrogant, simple-minded line. I wanted to scream at him. How could it be? How could it be better in the effing morning?!
But to make long a story short, I was forced into swallowing that utterly unjustified line. A line I couldn’t have deserved to hear at such a time. A line I didn’t know, would mean so much to me later on.
Yes, later on… A million mornings, and a couple of years after… I finally felt what he meant. I woke up and it hit me. My life finally made sense. The wounds finally blended with my smiles. And the past finally made me see how beautiful my todays could be, despite the scratches, and the scars, the burns, and the bruises.
Finding that perfect morning, was finding the light after years of staying in the dark. By that I mean, I never got over that bull of a line, and I never got over not screaming my head off at that well… ‘person’. But when you came, you even tagged along the butterflies and the Sun.
I pray that for every morning I live to see, for every ray of light that peeps through my windows, I will remember what a blessing you have been in my life. That despite all the tough times, you were the light that got me home, and you ARE the home I have away from home. My family, my best friend.
I pray that life will shower us with beautiful mornings together…better and better each day. That love will embrace us and make us, me especially, see how rare each morning is… And that it’ll never be too late to fix things… because we’re not just living for today… We’ve finally found a reason to live through tomorrow…and tomorrow…and tomorrow.
I pray that I’ll see things clearer somehow. And that I’ll remember why were together in the first place. It’s so simple… but it’s human to forget and take it forgranted, I guess. I pray for strength to hold on… because God knows you are who I’ve always wanted to be with.
And I pray that we will continue to love each other no matter what…not because I wanna show that simple-minded creature that I was better off without him, not because of the giddy feeling my now lost butterflies have brought me, not because it’s too hard to start over, not because I’m scared there’s nobody else out there…But because you and I… well, we’ll make perfect days out of each other’s lifetimes… And that’s worth waking up in the morning for.
I never thought I’d say and see this in a totally different light..It’ll be better in the morning…
I love you.
Vintage Article #3
Henry Roth August 31st, 2006 by emzkwe
Sometimes I cant help but wonder if people really know and see and feel the value of their relationships. Sometimes I ask myself if the people I love know I love them and that I always will til the ends of the earth collide with each other. Sometimes I’m disturbed by the possibilty that I would always be stuck in the same position i was years ago, where love and commitment don’t match. How could they not? Why would someone tell another person that he loves her but not know how to show it? I don’t understand how he could not show it…when it is the most natural, the most innate thing in this universe.
Sometimes, I cry at night…knowing one of these days my heart is just gonna stop feeling. And I wont have any reason to stay in a certain commitment any longer. No more love to keep going. No more sadness to motivate me to look for happiness. No more anger to seek for vengeance. I’ll just feel nothing. The consequence would be utter emptiness.
I want a guy who’ll love me everyday and show it in the simplest, most mundane things.
I want a guy who will not take me forgranted…someone who won’t make me feel that what he does for a living is more important than the growth of our relationship.
I want someone who will find ways to unravel and discover everything that tickels my fancy.
I want someone who will be there for me. not because I need him, but because he needs me to be with him.
I want someone who will not only keep looking into my eyes, but someone who will take my hand and look forward with me.
I want someone who will take me to his family and show them he loves me, and that I’m his friend and confidante as well.
I want someone who will make an effort to spend time with me and not just make me the girl he dates on Saturdays.
I want someone who will keep reminding me the reasons why were together.
I want someone who’ll never grow complacent…someone who’ll never think he owns me…someone who knows he can lose me in a heartbeat.
I want someone who will make me fall in love over and over and over again…
:,(
Sometimes I cant help but wonder if people really know and see and feel the value of their relationships. Sometimes I ask myself if the people I love know I love them and that I always will til the ends of the earth collide with each other. Sometimes I’m disturbed by the possibilty that I would always be stuck in the same position i was years ago, where love and commitment don’t match. How could they not? Why would someone tell another person that he loves her but not know how to show it? I don’t understand how he could not show it…when it is the most natural, the most innate thing in this universe.
Sometimes, I cry at night…knowing one of these days my heart is just gonna stop feeling. And I wont have any reason to stay in a certain commitment any longer. No more love to keep going. No more sadness to motivate me to look for happiness. No more anger to seek for vengeance. I’ll just feel nothing. The consequence would be utter emptiness.
I want a guy who’ll love me everyday and show it in the simplest, most mundane things.
I want a guy who will not take me forgranted…someone who won’t make me feel that what he does for a living is more important than the growth of our relationship.
I want someone who will find ways to unravel and discover everything that tickels my fancy.
I want someone who will be there for me. not because I need him, but because he needs me to be with him.
I want someone who will not only keep looking into my eyes, but someone who will take my hand and look forward with me.
I want someone who will take me to his family and show them he loves me, and that I’m his friend and confidante as well.
I want someone who will make an effort to spend time with me and not just make me the girl he dates on Saturdays.
I want someone who will keep reminding me the reasons why were together.
I want someone who’ll never grow complacent…someone who’ll never think he owns me…someone who knows he can lose me in a heartbeat.
I want someone who will make me fall in love over and over and over again…
:,(
Vintage Article #2
Headaches and Cola…
July 18th, 2006 by emzkwe
My days are filled with headaches and cola. Headaches from the constant turmoil and chaos of the people around me. Cola to soothe me in transcience. The rush of caffeine and sugar always leaves me dumbfounded and enervated…yet i continue to cling on to it for dear life, pretending it’ll save me from the wreck I am inevitablly gonna be by say, 7pm.
Yup. As if I don’t know better.
Ever had that feeling when you know you’ve been there, and you know you’ve done that…yet you succumb helplessly to the tragedy ahead because you claim, you believe it is freakin’ worth it.
Ever looked at someone and cried silently inside… Your heart breaking into a million jagged edges-not even pieces but edges…hollow and empty- and you just sat there and choked on your own sorrow while trying to listen to that someone tell you something he thinks is interesting while he completely ignores what is essential at the moment.
Ever woke up in the morning and you thought you had nowhere to go, no place to hide, no chance of seeking light. And you just prayed something would hit you hard on the head so you would fall back to slumber- a safer, more sober, less dramatic place to be.
I have.
And in all those moments, I knew I knew better, and yet I chose to be-well, i hope not dumb- but a little numb and insanely tolerant of pain.
Fact is, I’m no fan of pain. I have to have pain relievers in my bag…just in case. Every slight abnormal twitch, every sting, every throb is medicated immediately.
Why i chose and why i continue to choose to bear the pain now is beyond my good reasoning.
They say…you can’t change what you tolerate.
I raise a glass of cola to that. And I silently wish for myself that although I know it’ll be a while before things clear up, I wish my head stays upright and my heart, amidst all the caffeine and sugar, stays strong and steady.
July 18th, 2006 by emzkwe
My days are filled with headaches and cola. Headaches from the constant turmoil and chaos of the people around me. Cola to soothe me in transcience. The rush of caffeine and sugar always leaves me dumbfounded and enervated…yet i continue to cling on to it for dear life, pretending it’ll save me from the wreck I am inevitablly gonna be by say, 7pm.
Yup. As if I don’t know better.
Ever had that feeling when you know you’ve been there, and you know you’ve done that…yet you succumb helplessly to the tragedy ahead because you claim, you believe it is freakin’ worth it.
Ever looked at someone and cried silently inside… Your heart breaking into a million jagged edges-not even pieces but edges…hollow and empty- and you just sat there and choked on your own sorrow while trying to listen to that someone tell you something he thinks is interesting while he completely ignores what is essential at the moment.
Ever woke up in the morning and you thought you had nowhere to go, no place to hide, no chance of seeking light. And you just prayed something would hit you hard on the head so you would fall back to slumber- a safer, more sober, less dramatic place to be.
I have.
And in all those moments, I knew I knew better, and yet I chose to be-well, i hope not dumb- but a little numb and insanely tolerant of pain.
Fact is, I’m no fan of pain. I have to have pain relievers in my bag…just in case. Every slight abnormal twitch, every sting, every throb is medicated immediately.
Why i chose and why i continue to choose to bear the pain now is beyond my good reasoning.
They say…you can’t change what you tolerate.
I raise a glass of cola to that. And I silently wish for myself that although I know it’ll be a while before things clear up, I wish my head stays upright and my heart, amidst all the caffeine and sugar, stays strong and steady.
Vintage Article #1
Do you believe in soulmates? :) (miss u doy)
September 30th, 2006 by emzkwe
He asked me…’Have you found yoursoulmate?’ I paused for a fraction of a second,then i rambled back into the receiver..’ofcourse i have!’
‘really…who?’
I let my voice quiver dramatically and said:‘if you don’t know then i’m not tellingyou!!’
8 years…8 long, eventful, andcolorful years… and it is only now that I realize this overwhelming truth. That in my life i havec loseted one of the most wonderful people life ever graced my existence without ever hesitatinga tinge, without ever getting worriedthat our friendship could expire. it never will. and others say that i can’t be too sure,but the thing is i AM sure…VERY sure even.
he knows me too well that all the people around saythat we should have been ‘together’ even way before..he knows my quirks, my perks, my moods, my ways and myhabits, that he could pass off as mybrother…but he’s not my brother, nor is he ahoney orsweetheart of some sort. and with that,everything else becomes more special,more intense, and more intoxicating. i am in awe. for i am only 19, and i feel like in matters concerning friendship and laughter and support and shoulders-to-be-cried-and-leaned-on, i have already a healthy supply of that. i’m pretty sure my life’s nevergonna be perfect, but i think i’m contented just knowing he’saround, and that he promised andc ontinuouslypromises to be around forever.
FOREVER.
can you imagine that? can you comprehend thecomfort and warmth of such vow? perhaps youc an’t. for i’d like to be selfish andc laim that this is my own priviledge…to feel this way,and to have someone like him. having someone to be there for me anytime. someone to talk to, day or night. whether it be a 30-second phonecall or a24-hour phone marathon. someone who knows me inside-out, even the hems and threaded edges of my personality, he has zeroed in on them…
someone who’d never hesitate to scold mewhen i’m being naughty..someone who never tires of listening to me incesantly talk about men(hehe)…someone who never runs out of encouragement and love andsupport…someone whonever fails to say the right witty one-liner tomake me smile in the midst of a gloomy incident…someone whose patience has seen me through the years…eight years…eightyears of love and friendship and pure care and concern for one another.
this may sound much flowery,and uneventful, and frantically senseless… but you see, i am in awe. for the missing part of me, that part of me i’ve been searching for since i got wiff that were all not complete, i believe i’ve found some part of that in him…and i believe i will continually find pieces of myself in such wonderful and warm friendship. almost everything i’ve been looking for, and everything i ever wanna see inlife is right there in the palms of his hands..and all i have to do is grasp it…and i am now…everyday.the soul of the person i have become isnow entangled with his totality, or atleast some part of it… and special as that is,i’d liketo keep it that way forever.
the funny thing is…forever may sound pretty long and boring,but neither of us really do mind. we have each other one way or another…we have plans for a trip to Panama to see hisbeloved whales (haha); and he prays for the success of my future plans every other night;and i am waiting for that glorious day,20 yearsfrom now, when we’ll probably be older and more worldly, and he’ll show me that rutty corny card i gave him for his birthday,and as we promised each other, we’ll give it a good laugh.it’s not everyday one finds something as casual yet as amazingly special as this. i’vehad it for 8 years…yet it feels like i’ve onlyrealized it recently. but eventhough that is so, i’m pretty sure i’m gonna be feeling this way til i grow wrinkly and old…and what a relief and comfort that is…:)
doy, this one’s for you…it justdawned on mehow lucky i am to be your friend…andi’d likethe whole world to know.
*de ja vu, m’sieur? pag txt na sako doy. or il keep embarassing u through past antics! haha…:P
*hmmmm…10 yrs and counting na bah????
*i wrote you a good one schmuck. send me an sms! NOW!!!!! hehehe *wink*
originally posted in my friendster account. :)
September 30th, 2006 by emzkwe
He asked me…’Have you found yoursoulmate?’ I paused for a fraction of a second,then i rambled back into the receiver..’ofcourse i have!’
‘really…who?’
I let my voice quiver dramatically and said:‘if you don’t know then i’m not tellingyou!!’
8 years…8 long, eventful, andcolorful years… and it is only now that I realize this overwhelming truth. That in my life i havec loseted one of the most wonderful people life ever graced my existence without ever hesitatinga tinge, without ever getting worriedthat our friendship could expire. it never will. and others say that i can’t be too sure,but the thing is i AM sure…VERY sure even.
he knows me too well that all the people around saythat we should have been ‘together’ even way before..he knows my quirks, my perks, my moods, my ways and myhabits, that he could pass off as mybrother…but he’s not my brother, nor is he ahoney orsweetheart of some sort. and with that,everything else becomes more special,more intense, and more intoxicating. i am in awe. for i am only 19, and i feel like in matters concerning friendship and laughter and support and shoulders-to-be-cried-and-leaned-on, i have already a healthy supply of that. i’m pretty sure my life’s nevergonna be perfect, but i think i’m contented just knowing he’saround, and that he promised andc ontinuouslypromises to be around forever.
FOREVER.
can you imagine that? can you comprehend thecomfort and warmth of such vow? perhaps youc an’t. for i’d like to be selfish andc laim that this is my own priviledge…to feel this way,and to have someone like him. having someone to be there for me anytime. someone to talk to, day or night. whether it be a 30-second phonecall or a24-hour phone marathon. someone who knows me inside-out, even the hems and threaded edges of my personality, he has zeroed in on them…
someone who’d never hesitate to scold mewhen i’m being naughty..someone who never tires of listening to me incesantly talk about men(hehe)…someone who never runs out of encouragement and love andsupport…someone whonever fails to say the right witty one-liner tomake me smile in the midst of a gloomy incident…someone whose patience has seen me through the years…eight years…eightyears of love and friendship and pure care and concern for one another.
this may sound much flowery,and uneventful, and frantically senseless… but you see, i am in awe. for the missing part of me, that part of me i’ve been searching for since i got wiff that were all not complete, i believe i’ve found some part of that in him…and i believe i will continually find pieces of myself in such wonderful and warm friendship. almost everything i’ve been looking for, and everything i ever wanna see inlife is right there in the palms of his hands..and all i have to do is grasp it…and i am now…everyday.the soul of the person i have become isnow entangled with his totality, or atleast some part of it… and special as that is,i’d liketo keep it that way forever.
the funny thing is…forever may sound pretty long and boring,but neither of us really do mind. we have each other one way or another…we have plans for a trip to Panama to see hisbeloved whales (haha); and he prays for the success of my future plans every other night;and i am waiting for that glorious day,20 yearsfrom now, when we’ll probably be older and more worldly, and he’ll show me that rutty corny card i gave him for his birthday,and as we promised each other, we’ll give it a good laugh.it’s not everyday one finds something as casual yet as amazingly special as this. i’vehad it for 8 years…yet it feels like i’ve onlyrealized it recently. but eventhough that is so, i’m pretty sure i’m gonna be feeling this way til i grow wrinkly and old…and what a relief and comfort that is…:)
doy, this one’s for you…it justdawned on mehow lucky i am to be your friend…andi’d likethe whole world to know.
*de ja vu, m’sieur? pag txt na sako doy. or il keep embarassing u through past antics! haha…:P
*hmmmm…10 yrs and counting na bah????
*i wrote you a good one schmuck. send me an sms! NOW!!!!! hehehe *wink*
originally posted in my friendster account. :)
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Someone Else
Someone who will smile a little brighter when I walk into the room… and walk towards me to meet me before I get to where he is. Someone who will initiate the contact, and hold me like there’s no tomorrow; hug me like there’s only today; embrace me like it’s the first time he ever did.
Someone who never gets tired of who I am and what I am capable of… instead grows to love me more each day. Someone who’ll never say I make things hard for him and not realize how hard things have been for me. Someone who will never ever say he is better off without me. Someone who’ll never imagine life without me, without us. Someone who will always find a reason why he wants to fix things and say it out loud to me first…before I even ask him about it.
Someone who believes in himself and will never allow for me to stop believing in him. Someone who will say things---from sweet nothings to the somber promises---and keep his word.
Someone who will always go back to the first time we met, the first date we went to, the first time we held hands, and relive each day with me. Someone who will never use our years together as an excuse to being complacent in our relationship.
Someone who sees the future with me in it. Not unsure. Not uncertain. Maybe a bit scared. And maybe with a lot of questions. But confident. And secure. And will make me feel exactly that way too.
Someone who will never choose to walk out on me and leave me.
Someone who is there without condition.
Someone who never quits.
Someone who will use every huge and little way he knows to let me feel he cares.
Someone who knows all this is not that impossible.
Someone who will never make me feel that all this pain, all the sacrifices…are no longer worth it.
Someone who will not consider letting the story stop here. Unfinished.
Someone who wants to be with me.
Someone who will love me forever.
Someone who never gets tired of who I am and what I am capable of… instead grows to love me more each day. Someone who’ll never say I make things hard for him and not realize how hard things have been for me. Someone who will never ever say he is better off without me. Someone who’ll never imagine life without me, without us. Someone who will always find a reason why he wants to fix things and say it out loud to me first…before I even ask him about it.
Someone who believes in himself and will never allow for me to stop believing in him. Someone who will say things---from sweet nothings to the somber promises---and keep his word.
Someone who will always go back to the first time we met, the first date we went to, the first time we held hands, and relive each day with me. Someone who will never use our years together as an excuse to being complacent in our relationship.
Someone who sees the future with me in it. Not unsure. Not uncertain. Maybe a bit scared. And maybe with a lot of questions. But confident. And secure. And will make me feel exactly that way too.
Someone who will never choose to walk out on me and leave me.
Someone who is there without condition.
Someone who never quits.
Someone who will use every huge and little way he knows to let me feel he cares.
Someone who knows all this is not that impossible.
Someone who will never make me feel that all this pain, all the sacrifices…are no longer worth it.
Someone who will not consider letting the story stop here. Unfinished.
Someone who wants to be with me.
Someone who will love me forever.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Back to the Basics
Someone once told me that when you love someone... you go back to the basics. Always. And what's basic is when you love someone, when you truly love someone... you forget you ever needed anything else in return. And that you love someone not because you want him to love you back. You love him just because. That someone never told me it would be this hard. And although my heart has weathered probably more wounds and injuries a 24-year-old heart should, every single time it gets hurt it feels like it's getting hurt for the first time. I'm not sure if I never ever ever learn my lesson... or if I'm just going back to the basics. :(
I documented this only to remind myself of how selflessly and stupidly in love I've become. Sigh.
I'm sticking it out
I still believe that when u asked me to be with you 2 and half years ago, you were promising to take care of me and love me
I still believe in that eventhough it's highly unlikely
I'm making a fool out of myself
And so is everyone else
And I've allowed that to happen because i love you
I'm not them. I'm not just one of them
I'm not ur fat officemate
Or your gay gym buddy
I'm the girl who gave up everything just to be with you
I DESERVE a little more kindness from you
I deserve it
I'm supposed to feel special
And i haven't felt special for the longest time
And ive been asking myself over and over again why I'd stay in a situation wherein im not happy anymore...
And the answer's simple.
It's only because i love you.
Only because I love you.
I documented this only to remind myself of how selflessly and stupidly in love I've become. Sigh.
I'm sticking it out
I still believe that when u asked me to be with you 2 and half years ago, you were promising to take care of me and love me
I still believe in that eventhough it's highly unlikely
I'm making a fool out of myself
And so is everyone else
And I've allowed that to happen because i love you
I'm not them. I'm not just one of them
I'm not ur fat officemate
Or your gay gym buddy
I'm the girl who gave up everything just to be with you
I DESERVE a little more kindness from you
I deserve it
I'm supposed to feel special
And i haven't felt special for the longest time
And ive been asking myself over and over again why I'd stay in a situation wherein im not happy anymore...
And the answer's simple.
It's only because i love you.
Only because I love you.
Monday, August 11, 2008
On the Verge of Falling Apart
I am on the verge of falling apart.
I can feel bits and pieces of myself breaking away from my entity.
My heart is as heavy as lead.
My eyes long to stay shut.
My hands long to remain unmoving.
My mind desires for peace and quite.
My whole being would just like to be left alone.
So I can shatter without incident.
And I can pick up my brokenness in silence.
I would like to run.
But run where?
I would like to cry.
But cry for how much more? Cry for how much longer?
I would like to fade away into nothingness.
But even nothingness will not have me.
I pray for someone to save me from this misery.
To scoop me out from this despair.
And then I stop and realize…
I should be the one saving myself.
No one else.
No one else.
No one else.
I am on the verge of falling apart.
I can feel bits and pieces of myself breaking away from my entity.
And I call to them…to come back to me…
And save me. :(
I can feel bits and pieces of myself breaking away from my entity.
My heart is as heavy as lead.
My eyes long to stay shut.
My hands long to remain unmoving.
My mind desires for peace and quite.
My whole being would just like to be left alone.
So I can shatter without incident.
And I can pick up my brokenness in silence.
I would like to run.
But run where?
I would like to cry.
But cry for how much more? Cry for how much longer?
I would like to fade away into nothingness.
But even nothingness will not have me.
I pray for someone to save me from this misery.
To scoop me out from this despair.
And then I stop and realize…
I should be the one saving myself.
No one else.
No one else.
No one else.
I am on the verge of falling apart.
I can feel bits and pieces of myself breaking away from my entity.
And I call to them…to come back to me…
And save me. :(
Sarah's Letter
This broke my heart. And it made me a bit scatterbrained. The thought that one of the best crime series in town could cradle a love story so complicated and touching...with a beginning so vague and subtle to an ending so abrupt and painful...mesmerizes me. I am awed at things we don't get to see everyday. And a love letter inside the crime world is one of them.
Gil,
You know I love you. I feel I’ve loved you forever. Lately, I haven’t been feeling very well. Truth be told, I’m tired. Out in the desert under the car that night, I realized something and I haven’t been able to shake it. Since my father died, I’ve spent almost my entire life with ghosts, we’ve been like close friends…And out in the desert it occurred to me that it was time for me to bury them. I can’t do that here. I’m so sorry. No matter how hard I tried to fight it off I’m left with a feeling that I have to go. I have no idea where I’m going. But I know I have to do this. If I don’t I’m afraid I’ll self-destruct and worse…you’ll be there to see it happen. Be safe. Know that I tried very hard to stay. Know that you are my one and only. I’ll miss you with every beat of my heart. Our life together was the only home I’ve ever really had. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I love you. I always will. Goodbye…
Sarah
CSI: Season 8
Gil,
You know I love you. I feel I’ve loved you forever. Lately, I haven’t been feeling very well. Truth be told, I’m tired. Out in the desert under the car that night, I realized something and I haven’t been able to shake it. Since my father died, I’ve spent almost my entire life with ghosts, we’ve been like close friends…And out in the desert it occurred to me that it was time for me to bury them. I can’t do that here. I’m so sorry. No matter how hard I tried to fight it off I’m left with a feeling that I have to go. I have no idea where I’m going. But I know I have to do this. If I don’t I’m afraid I’ll self-destruct and worse…you’ll be there to see it happen. Be safe. Know that I tried very hard to stay. Know that you are my one and only. I’ll miss you with every beat of my heart. Our life together was the only home I’ve ever really had. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I love you. I always will. Goodbye…
Sarah
CSI: Season 8
Thursday, August 7, 2008
My Wish List (A living document)
You’ll see me add items here continuously…after all, there will always be something more we would like to achieve and get in life. I invite all to make wishes too, and may you make all your wishes come true. *wink* Happy wishing!
I wish…
I could get my hands on a La Mer Treatment foundation. (Categorized under vanity, hehe)
I could spend more time with Mark before he leaves for the US again (after coming home from VA and staying here for only 3 days :( )
I’d find lots and lots of dvds to devour so I won’t be too lonely during the weekends.
I will turn 24 happy.
I could just disappear for a few days…
For my own red Beetle *giggle*
For a much much muuuucccchhhh better health :(
I could go home to CDO right now and cuddle with my mom, my sisters, and our dogs. Hehe.
I could go back to college.
I could be more contented with how things are right now.
I could sing again.
I could take up writing classes.
I were uberly rich so I could quit my job, shop til I drop and get married in Rome in a designer dress and killer shoes. :D
I'll get over it... right away - 08/19
I wish…
I could get my hands on a La Mer Treatment foundation. (Categorized under vanity, hehe)
I could spend more time with Mark before he leaves for the US again (after coming home from VA and staying here for only 3 days :( )
I’d find lots and lots of dvds to devour so I won’t be too lonely during the weekends.
I will turn 24 happy.
I could just disappear for a few days…
For my own red Beetle *giggle*
For a much much muuuucccchhhh better health :(
I could go home to CDO right now and cuddle with my mom, my sisters, and our dogs. Hehe.
I could go back to college.
I could be more contented with how things are right now.
I could sing again.
I could take up writing classes.
I were uberly rich so I could quit my job, shop til I drop and get married in Rome in a designer dress and killer shoes. :D
I'll get over it... right away - 08/19
Friday, August 1, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Change
I’ve been dodging change for years now. There was a time when I was so contented of myself, of the people around me, of how my life was…I was so contented I lost someone in exchange for that contentment. And then I became the good person I thought I never was to start with. I put other people’s needs before mine. I was still stubborn and bratty and aggressive. But I became more lenient to others, and less forgiving to myself.
It all started from the mentality that if I change I might lose people in return. And that maybe if I stay right where I am, I will be safe.
But lately I’ve realized that I need to change. I’ve needed it for so long even my body is falling apart just to make me see that I need to revolutionize and start all over again.
I’m not only talking about my job and my career. I’m also talking about myself. How I see things. How I spend weekends. How I can’t imagine walking around the mall by myself when in fact I was able to do this years ago. How I can’t believe in myself enough to realize that I can take care of myself. How I let go of my dreams and started doubting I’ll ever fulfill them.
I need to change.
And so I went and took my first step towards change. I got a haircut.
For months now I have been hankering on wearing my hair in a short chic bob. And every time I mustered the guts to do it, when I got to the salon I’d chicken out. I settled for bangs in exchange. Or a color treatment. Or a perm. I’ve worn my hair long for years now. A little modification once in a while. But it had always been the same old long hair I've always had, the same old, safe look.
When the stylist cut each section off, I felt scared and excited. It might just be a haircut to anybody else, but for me it was courage and bravery and acceptance. It was acknowledging I needed change in my life.
The stylist took more than half of the original length of my hair. And when the girl assigned to blow dry my hair started her task and faced me in the mirror with a wistful smile and the question: “Do you regret it? He took almost everything”, I genuinely smiled back at her and replied “No. This is what I want”.
And I meant it.
And when it was over I was giddy at my new look. I looked fresh and young and rejuvenated. Seeing myself in a new light made me hopeful. And it made me braver than ever.
I learned that in order for me to really change, I have to leap into the situation. Not unprepared. Not unaware of the consequences. But leap into it with acceptance and courage. There’s no other way to do it.
I learned that change means letting go of certain things…sometimes it could mean letting go of almost everything you have. But you have to have faith and believe that it will all be worth it.
I learned that in order to change I have to trust myself that I can make it. I can make change happen in my life. And the next choices I am going to make, whether it’s as petty as buying new curtains or as big as standing up for myself and telling the world (or at the very least, my manager), that I am tired of what I am doing and I am not happy anymore, will all be for change.
And I learned that change can hurt. In fact, it will hurt. But the pain will be the friction you need in order to differentiate yourself from being a rock and becoming a diamond. The hurt will mold and hone you... twist and deframe and coil every single corner, curve, and spot of your entity, to the point that you will feel destroyed and broken... Until you realize that you were meant to be broken... so that you can be re-pieced in to a better model...a better you.
Life is too short. And I vow to make things more interesting by embracing change.
me and my new hair :)
It all started from the mentality that if I change I might lose people in return. And that maybe if I stay right where I am, I will be safe.
But lately I’ve realized that I need to change. I’ve needed it for so long even my body is falling apart just to make me see that I need to revolutionize and start all over again.
I’m not only talking about my job and my career. I’m also talking about myself. How I see things. How I spend weekends. How I can’t imagine walking around the mall by myself when in fact I was able to do this years ago. How I can’t believe in myself enough to realize that I can take care of myself. How I let go of my dreams and started doubting I’ll ever fulfill them.
I need to change.
And so I went and took my first step towards change. I got a haircut.
For months now I have been hankering on wearing my hair in a short chic bob. And every time I mustered the guts to do it, when I got to the salon I’d chicken out. I settled for bangs in exchange. Or a color treatment. Or a perm. I’ve worn my hair long for years now. A little modification once in a while. But it had always been the same old long hair I've always had, the same old, safe look.
When the stylist cut each section off, I felt scared and excited. It might just be a haircut to anybody else, but for me it was courage and bravery and acceptance. It was acknowledging I needed change in my life.
The stylist took more than half of the original length of my hair. And when the girl assigned to blow dry my hair started her task and faced me in the mirror with a wistful smile and the question: “Do you regret it? He took almost everything”, I genuinely smiled back at her and replied “No. This is what I want”.
And I meant it.
And when it was over I was giddy at my new look. I looked fresh and young and rejuvenated. Seeing myself in a new light made me hopeful. And it made me braver than ever.
I learned that in order for me to really change, I have to leap into the situation. Not unprepared. Not unaware of the consequences. But leap into it with acceptance and courage. There’s no other way to do it.
I learned that change means letting go of certain things…sometimes it could mean letting go of almost everything you have. But you have to have faith and believe that it will all be worth it.
I learned that in order to change I have to trust myself that I can make it. I can make change happen in my life. And the next choices I am going to make, whether it’s as petty as buying new curtains or as big as standing up for myself and telling the world (or at the very least, my manager), that I am tired of what I am doing and I am not happy anymore, will all be for change.
And I learned that change can hurt. In fact, it will hurt. But the pain will be the friction you need in order to differentiate yourself from being a rock and becoming a diamond. The hurt will mold and hone you... twist and deframe and coil every single corner, curve, and spot of your entity, to the point that you will feel destroyed and broken... Until you realize that you were meant to be broken... so that you can be re-pieced in to a better model...a better you.
Life is too short. And I vow to make things more interesting by embracing change.
me and my new hair :)
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Apologize
The song's stuck in my head. Is it really ever too late? When DO we stop forgiving? :(
I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down But wait...
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say..
That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But that's nothing new Yeah yeah
I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
And you say Sorry like an angel,
heaven let me think was you, But I'm afraid
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, a yeah
I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground... =(
I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down But wait...
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say..
That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But that's nothing new Yeah yeah
I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
And you say Sorry like an angel,
heaven let me think was you, But I'm afraid
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, a yeah
I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground... =(
Friday, July 4, 2008
A Self-Confessed Shoe Addict *giggle*
Mading and I went to the local flea market here in my hometown (we call it the Night Cafe) and I went shoe shopping!!! I do not have enough flowery words for the beauties I was able to scrounge from one wooden rack after another. I would like to make special mention though that for months now I have been dragging Mark from one shoe store to another, in search of the perfect black pumps (and I mean perfect… perfect with jeans, skirts, hell even short-shorts!!)…and I found them (see photo, isn’t she lovely? Aren’t they all so lovely? Sigh…). I scored real big this time! Each one did not cost over 200 bucks! What a pleasant euphoria this is… I don’t care if this will only last for a few hours, days, whatever. I doubt though because I always feel giddy when wearing uber edgy sky high heels. They can instantly brighten up any outfit. One of my best Friday nights ever! Teehee.
I super love my shoes!!!! :D
I super love my shoes!!!! :D
Thursday, July 3, 2008
BFFs
There is this recent tagalog movie I just watched on DVD (with my sister, Mading, the best tagalog flick buddy any girl could have! *lol*), and there was a line there about best friends and lovers that struck a chord in my already out-of-tune ivories. The lady in the movie said something like: a couple starts their lifetime together by themselves, alone. And in the end, after the children have grown up and gotten lives of their own, they are still together, alone. Alone together (what an extremely contradicting phrase, but you get the point, right?). That’s why in relationships, lovers need to be the best of friends… because the romance can dwindle and go aflame unpredictably (After 2 ½ years Mark and I have this, how much more for those who have weathered children and mortgages together), but the friendship never will.
I smiled at that line. And I thought of Mark. I’ve had best friends before. In kindergarten: the boy-next-door whom I grew up with and shared my first innocent peck in the cheek. In grade school and high school: three equally intelligent, interesting and funny young ladies whom I shared all my growing pains with. And in college: Jamie and Yaz. Two of the quirkiest and perkiest individuals who went through the most beautiful and most painful times in my life.
And then there’s Mark.
Boyfriend, DVD partner, Shopping Buddy, Weekend Associate, Fun trips colleague, Mallrat collaborator, Driving buddy, Cuddle-giver extraordinaire, Soul mate and all-around chum… and most importantly, the love of my life (extra extra cheesy, but hey I mean it and there’s no other way to put it).
It was a few months ago when I marveled at him ---wide-eyed and gushing, excited and blushing--- and I told him that I just realized that at 23 years old, being overworked and underfed and overly wired and intense, my best friend in the whole wide world was my boyfriend… my best friend was him.
He knows everything about me. My wildest dreams and fantasies. What I really wanna do with my life. He knows that secret smile I have and the phrase (oh that phrase!) I always utter when I squeal with delight upon discovering pretty pretty stilettos (an addiction, and yes he knows that too). He knows my style. It took a while for him to get it, and yet now he has almost mastered my taste on tops, jeans, shoes, bags, and accessories. He knows my weaknesses and targets them when necessary: Strawberry Mango smoothie from Big Chill and Sizzling Sisig from Congo Grill.
Cosmo says girls shouldn’t do their beauty routines in front of their guys. But I broke that rule, because Mark not only knows all my routines, he knows about my fetish for good (albeit expensive) facial washes and how easily I get bored with bottles and tubes. He knows my signature look is always blushing cheeks. And he adores and accepts me for it.
He knows my fears. He knows how unhappy I am at certain things in my life. He knows how hopeful I am with the other things. He knows how to perk me up when I am sick. He knows just by looking at my face and at the way I walk towards him when I step outside the lobby of our office and meet him every night for dinner, that at that night, I need my Crispy Adobo Flakes from Bento Box.
He knows.
My best friend in the whole world.
And I guess when I heard that line earlier this evening, it got me elated. Hopeful. It made me realize that despite a relationship’s unpredictable inflation or deflation in romance (like I said, this happens), Mark and I have our friendship. We know each other so well. Over the years we’ve become so comfortable with each other, we barely felt it happen to us.
In fact, I had often wondered when our comfy silent moments in the car started. It did not bother me that when we were driving off somewhere we sometimes just stay quiet. Not mad-quiet. But comfy-peaceful-quiet. I was curious at how it started. How it happened. And he doesn’t know as well, but we both know that we have already developed the power to listen and talk to each other in silence. To be there for each other without creating noise. To say I love you, just by grasping each other's hand while staring at the road together, moving forward to get to our destination.
How often we get this in one lifetime, I do not know. But realizing all this just made me feel lucky. Lucky because despite the negative and sad and well, bad parts of my life right now (inevitable, what would we do without drama, right?), I have a guy, a person, a totally different and unique individual who chooses to be with me and hold my hand and face every damn ripe, not-so-ripe, and rotten stuff life can throw at us… and we can both face it with friendship and with love.
:)
I smiled at that line. And I thought of Mark. I’ve had best friends before. In kindergarten: the boy-next-door whom I grew up with and shared my first innocent peck in the cheek. In grade school and high school: three equally intelligent, interesting and funny young ladies whom I shared all my growing pains with. And in college: Jamie and Yaz. Two of the quirkiest and perkiest individuals who went through the most beautiful and most painful times in my life.
And then there’s Mark.
Boyfriend, DVD partner, Shopping Buddy, Weekend Associate, Fun trips colleague, Mallrat collaborator, Driving buddy, Cuddle-giver extraordinaire, Soul mate and all-around chum… and most importantly, the love of my life (extra extra cheesy, but hey I mean it and there’s no other way to put it).
It was a few months ago when I marveled at him ---wide-eyed and gushing, excited and blushing--- and I told him that I just realized that at 23 years old, being overworked and underfed and overly wired and intense, my best friend in the whole wide world was my boyfriend… my best friend was him.
He knows everything about me. My wildest dreams and fantasies. What I really wanna do with my life. He knows that secret smile I have and the phrase (oh that phrase!) I always utter when I squeal with delight upon discovering pretty pretty stilettos (an addiction, and yes he knows that too). He knows my style. It took a while for him to get it, and yet now he has almost mastered my taste on tops, jeans, shoes, bags, and accessories. He knows my weaknesses and targets them when necessary: Strawberry Mango smoothie from Big Chill and Sizzling Sisig from Congo Grill.
Cosmo says girls shouldn’t do their beauty routines in front of their guys. But I broke that rule, because Mark not only knows all my routines, he knows about my fetish for good (albeit expensive) facial washes and how easily I get bored with bottles and tubes. He knows my signature look is always blushing cheeks. And he adores and accepts me for it.
He knows my fears. He knows how unhappy I am at certain things in my life. He knows how hopeful I am with the other things. He knows how to perk me up when I am sick. He knows just by looking at my face and at the way I walk towards him when I step outside the lobby of our office and meet him every night for dinner, that at that night, I need my Crispy Adobo Flakes from Bento Box.
He knows.
My best friend in the whole world.
And I guess when I heard that line earlier this evening, it got me elated. Hopeful. It made me realize that despite a relationship’s unpredictable inflation or deflation in romance (like I said, this happens), Mark and I have our friendship. We know each other so well. Over the years we’ve become so comfortable with each other, we barely felt it happen to us.
In fact, I had often wondered when our comfy silent moments in the car started. It did not bother me that when we were driving off somewhere we sometimes just stay quiet. Not mad-quiet. But comfy-peaceful-quiet. I was curious at how it started. How it happened. And he doesn’t know as well, but we both know that we have already developed the power to listen and talk to each other in silence. To be there for each other without creating noise. To say I love you, just by grasping each other's hand while staring at the road together, moving forward to get to our destination.
How often we get this in one lifetime, I do not know. But realizing all this just made me feel lucky. Lucky because despite the negative and sad and well, bad parts of my life right now (inevitable, what would we do without drama, right?), I have a guy, a person, a totally different and unique individual who chooses to be with me and hold my hand and face every damn ripe, not-so-ripe, and rotten stuff life can throw at us… and we can both face it with friendship and with love.
:)
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
The Job a Million Girls would Die for
The book The Devil Wears Prada is always by my bedside (sometimes even always ON my bed). I read it. A LOT. And when I realized I was quite, errr… attached to my already ratty and overly beaten down copy, I began asking myself: Why? Why was I so attracted to the story? Could I relate to it? Did I want Andy’s life? Did I adore Miranda’s cold antics and selfish senseless demands? Or… could it be… Did I feel exactly the same way Andy felt in that story? She felt she could have done better… she didn’t belong… she was criticized ALL the time… she became addicted to her job, irrationally addicted…she was not happy. There. I think we hit the mark here. You see… I think I am also in the position where a million girls and maybe gals would die for my job. It’s well-paying to the point where I am currently paying a condo unit’s monthly amortization and in a few years the place will be mine (and I’m only 23 years old, I got the place when I was 22). I can take a cab to work every single day (though I can’t have it reimbursed like Andy did). My lifestyle has totally changed. You can ask Mark about this. I used to be a complete simpleton. Now I want all things nice and beautiful and expensive. I have a laptop I can use anytime, anywhere. I got to go on a US trip and stayed there for two months… saw and breathed the lovely air of Niagara… giggled at the sight of Ms. Liberty… and ultimately checked off a longtime dream which has been an item in all versions of my life list (to watch Les Miserables in broadway). I am a leader. I have been molded to be one. I can make decisions. I can reprimand people for their poor performance. I can guide, I can mentor. I’m lucky to have this job. And I do feel lucky. The job a million girls (and guys) would die for.
But… (here it goes) is lucky IT? Is that the only and most vital way I should be feeling? Or should I be, first and foremost, HAPPY?
I have a condo unit to my name, but I’m all alone. My family’s not with me. I have a laptop computer, but all that really means is I can work anytime, anywhere. And I do. On weekends. When I’m sick. When I’m on vacation. If I keep this up I might get married with my computer tied to my wedding gown train. My lifestyle’s a bit more glamorous, but with glamour comes the price of…well… money. And I can only buy things. Clothes. Shoes. Not luxury. Not vacations and land trips and beach ventures. Because I have money, but I do not have time. I can dress up nicely and fashionably enough. But half the time my work gets me too depressed to even wear those clothes to the office. And I end up frustrated and irked that I spend so much on how I wanna look and I can’t even look that way. Upbeat. Perky. Again, HAPPY.
I have been intoxicated for months now. That’s the truth. And I’m not a quitter. But as much as I’d like to push myself way way wayyyyyy beyond my limits, I think I’ve had it up to here.
I am through spending my vacations in front of my computer (occasionally surfacing for air during dinner time). I’ve had enough of getting sick and calling in sick and then getting called in the middle of my deep sickly sleep to be asked and taunted and reprimanded for issues and concerns of the client and the employees and everybody else who does not give a damn that my cough and my cold has been at it for 4 straight weeks and my throat has started to bleed every morning, and I still end up taking the call and looking for internet connection so I can get online and (surprise surprise!) work. I’ve had it with getting German measles and still going to work. Everybody does not want to see you or be near you. But they don’t think you shouldn’t be working (even though you’re sick and infected!), so they situate you all alone at a building far enough from where they are.
I’ve had it up to here.
And I’ve decided to do something about it. To find a way to make myself and my life better. Even if it means I have to go back to being a simpleton and start cooking my own meals and start scrimping on cab fares. I’m still in the thinking and planning out process (no action/s being done just yet). But documenting this is my first step.
Overnight I grew up. I realized it’s not about the money anymore (well, it’ll always be about the money but…you know what I mean). It’s not about feeling lucky. It’s not about this job a million girls would die for.
Because just like Andy, I’m gonna save myself before I get buried with it.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Untitled
I was browsing through my emails in the past (like 2-3 years ago), and I found something I wrote for Mark back in 2006. This was around the time we got together and well... the rest is history. Unbelievable. I have to ask Mark if he remembers this. AND I have to scrounge my email for more vintage writings.
There are some things in life that scare us...irrationally sometimes...like shivering at the thought of nearing an edge of the cliff; like the involuntaryshudder when one enters a dark, cold room; like the inevitable fear of a woman giving birth for the very first time.There are also some things that shake us to the core...life-changing events that stay with us forever...instances when you realize you'll never be the same again...like a 6-year-old getting her ears pierced for the first time; like amother hearing her baby's first solid cry after birth; like falling asleep for a hundred years and being awoken by no less than the right person.I feel that right now. I feel alive and terrified at it. I feel rejuvenated and overwhelmed at the thought that i couldn't do it myself, i had to wait for you to come along. And you did come along...which means that you could go away anytime as well.I would like to be with you everyday, never mind if forever is just fictional.But I would also like to cradle myself from the pain of losing you.I would like to take the leap, spread out my arms and plaster a big fat grin on my face, as i laugh at the world, feel the wind on my face, and fly.But I'd also like to be able to surface once in a while and feel my bare feet touch sand and water.I would like to hang on, and hold on to the little faith I have left...But I would also like to let go and never look back on the pain...just be myself without the chains of the past holding me down.I would like to wake up in the morning and feel renewed at the very sight of a single ray of light from the sun. And be warmed by life's ultimate gift of love and hate, life and death, happiness and sorrow...and know that they all belong to me and that i belong to them.But i would also like to belong with you and belong to you...and maybe if I'm lucky enough...have you belong to me too.There are some things in life that scare us irrationally...and then there aresome that shake us to the core... To me, you are both.
-emma
There are some things in life that scare us...irrationally sometimes...like shivering at the thought of nearing an edge of the cliff; like the involuntaryshudder when one enters a dark, cold room; like the inevitable fear of a woman giving birth for the very first time.There are also some things that shake us to the core...life-changing events that stay with us forever...instances when you realize you'll never be the same again...like a 6-year-old getting her ears pierced for the first time; like amother hearing her baby's first solid cry after birth; like falling asleep for a hundred years and being awoken by no less than the right person.I feel that right now. I feel alive and terrified at it. I feel rejuvenated and overwhelmed at the thought that i couldn't do it myself, i had to wait for you to come along. And you did come along...which means that you could go away anytime as well.I would like to be with you everyday, never mind if forever is just fictional.But I would also like to cradle myself from the pain of losing you.I would like to take the leap, spread out my arms and plaster a big fat grin on my face, as i laugh at the world, feel the wind on my face, and fly.But I'd also like to be able to surface once in a while and feel my bare feet touch sand and water.I would like to hang on, and hold on to the little faith I have left...But I would also like to let go and never look back on the pain...just be myself without the chains of the past holding me down.I would like to wake up in the morning and feel renewed at the very sight of a single ray of light from the sun. And be warmed by life's ultimate gift of love and hate, life and death, happiness and sorrow...and know that they all belong to me and that i belong to them.But i would also like to belong with you and belong to you...and maybe if I'm lucky enough...have you belong to me too.There are some things in life that scare us irrationally...and then there aresome that shake us to the core... To me, you are both.
-emma
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Simple Question, Creative Answer
This is the article I submitted to the required 'answer' to the employer's question: What is your favorite movie and why do you like it? React if you must. *lol*
There is always a certain amount of solace and comfort I get from watching Marlin bicker with Dory and then eventually getting along together; from studying how Nemo manages to make friends in a such a small closed space and how he manages to overcome his fears; from realizing the sharp and extremely stark difference between living free in the vast, beautiful ocean and living in it imprisoned in your insecurities and worries; as well as discovering the colossal distinction of being a captive in an aquarium, and spending your days trapped in it but liberated from any doubts or qualms…believing deeply that someone, someday will save you, but believing more firmly that you will find a way to save yourself; and how, after all the shark chases and adventures, after all the whale-watching and turtle-surfing, after all the despair and memory-loss… everyone ultimately finds one another. This film has taught me loads about friendship, about family, and most importantly about standing up for yourself and finding strength and courage even when in the midst of a very uncertain situation. Yes, who would have known this childlike, candid and innocent animation would teach me to grow up.
There is always a certain amount of solace and comfort I get from watching Marlin bicker with Dory and then eventually getting along together; from studying how Nemo manages to make friends in a such a small closed space and how he manages to overcome his fears; from realizing the sharp and extremely stark difference between living free in the vast, beautiful ocean and living in it imprisoned in your insecurities and worries; as well as discovering the colossal distinction of being a captive in an aquarium, and spending your days trapped in it but liberated from any doubts or qualms…believing deeply that someone, someday will save you, but believing more firmly that you will find a way to save yourself; and how, after all the shark chases and adventures, after all the whale-watching and turtle-surfing, after all the despair and memory-loss… everyone ultimately finds one another. This film has taught me loads about friendship, about family, and most importantly about standing up for yourself and finding strength and courage even when in the midst of a very uncertain situation. Yes, who would have known this childlike, candid and innocent animation would teach me to grow up.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
The One Who Got Away
When I flip through a magazine or pass by a certain mall store with my ex’s face plastered all over it, Mark always teases me about it… He’d murmur at me teasingly “Look…the one who got away.” The thought has never failed to fluster me. Do I think he’s the one who got way? Maybe for some time before I did. He was not an ideal guy. But being with him became quite ideal at some point in my 18-year-old life. Yes, we were 18. And fun-loving and reckless. He was the six-foot, half-Swiss guy in my class whom I initially disliked. And for some bizarre twist, we ended up together. But only for a few months. I was different back then. I was secure. I had friends I loved to death. School was more than manageable. I was contented. I was happy. And then he came along and was the cherry on top of an already-delicious ice cream; the icing on top of an already-sweet cake; the bonus round of an already-won game. And although it was an easy-going relationship that we had, and I was always the one who was not really serious, who did not really grasp on the fact that he was sought-after and yet he was with me, the one who was always accused of valuing my friends more than I valued him, our inevitable break-up broke me. Although I thought differently back when I was in the middle of that storm I went through, I now know it was not so much as losing him that killed me…it was the idea that I failed at something… I failed someone I claimed to love. That was what broke me. It changed me in ways I could never really fully describe. It changed me both in good and bad ways. I lost my sense of security. But I learned to value love and the people I love. I lost my desire in constant nights of boozing and dancing, which was a college student’s translation of fun back then. But I became more serious, more driven, more focused. I lost him. But I found love in a whole new different form and intensity and purity. I found Mark. And the two and a half years we’ve been together has never made me feel surer about anything in my life.
And so now I endure his constant teasing when it comes to my Half Swiss ex. I pass it off as his way of fishing for assurance. And then I whisper to him back with a smile and say: “Let him be. Anyway, you’re the one who’ll never get away.” :)
And so now I endure his constant teasing when it comes to my Half Swiss ex. I pass it off as his way of fishing for assurance. And then I whisper to him back with a smile and say: “Let him be. Anyway, you’re the one who’ll never get away.” :)
Monday, June 16, 2008
Love Is...
Somebody asked me what love is, and I found myself re-evaluating my seemingly sad situation. What IS love? I've spent the better years of my life dodging that question by reasoning out that it cannot be defined, it cannot be described, it cannot be simplified nor contained by mere terms... And although part of that is true, I've missed the realization that we can, in fact, try to dissect love, try to explain it, and at the very least, try to experience it. Because the truth is this worn-out cliche...love is all around us.
It's in every little thing that we fail to notice each day because we let ourselves get too cooped up with the bigger picture.
It's knowing with all certainty that you've found someone you wanna get to know for the rest of your life.
It's the four a.m. calls you receive just for him to let you know he's awake and he's thinking about you.
It's the way his hand always reaches out to brush away the stray strands of hair on your face.
It's him always wanting to grasp your hand in his...always wanting to hold you tight beside him.
Love is acceptance. It's him knowing you like burning your corned beef a little when you cook it, and that you put milk on your rice when you eat it. He thinks it's a little gross, but he adores you for it anyway.
Love is sacrifice. It's you leaving home, swallowing the nostalgia, to show him everything else is worth surpassing.
Love is loyalty. It's him thinking you're the best cook in the world, next to his mom of course, when the truth is all you can do is reheat canned goods and boil water for instant noodles.
Love is about gratitude. It's thanking Life and Fate for all the miseries you went through in the past, for you finally found the reason why you had to go through them all.
Love is about changing and adjusting. It's you stretching your limits, expanding your perceptions, making allowances for failures.
Love is about trust. It's you taking his hand each time you step on to the escalator.
Love is about assurance. It's him telling you it's okay to take that first step...He's not letting you go...Ever.
Love is about having butterflies in your stomach. It's not there all the time, but when it comes you know it's for real, you know it'll always be there from then on...you know it's forever.
And most importantly, love is forgiveness. It's you getting your heart beaten and battered, stepped on and trampled, broken and shattered. And yet at the end of it all, when you are no longer clouded by the pain, you always come home to the simple fact that whatever hurt you go through would never conquer the intensity and the certainty of what you've chosen to fight for every single day that has passed and will pass...and although crying may drain you all the hope and faith you have, and you may be scarred and worn out to the deepest corners of your soul...in the very end of it all, you know that what you have is the real thing. And it's worth all the moments you are left dumbfounded. Or speechless. Or numb. Or terrified. Or lost. Or scared. Or hurt.
It's worth all the questions you've never really had the courage to ask.
It's worth all the times you say you can't define Love... because anyway, you have the proof of its existence right by your side...
It's in every little thing that we fail to notice each day because we let ourselves get too cooped up with the bigger picture.
It's knowing with all certainty that you've found someone you wanna get to know for the rest of your life.
It's the four a.m. calls you receive just for him to let you know he's awake and he's thinking about you.
It's the way his hand always reaches out to brush away the stray strands of hair on your face.
It's him always wanting to grasp your hand in his...always wanting to hold you tight beside him.
Love is acceptance. It's him knowing you like burning your corned beef a little when you cook it, and that you put milk on your rice when you eat it. He thinks it's a little gross, but he adores you for it anyway.
Love is sacrifice. It's you leaving home, swallowing the nostalgia, to show him everything else is worth surpassing.
Love is loyalty. It's him thinking you're the best cook in the world, next to his mom of course, when the truth is all you can do is reheat canned goods and boil water for instant noodles.
Love is about gratitude. It's thanking Life and Fate for all the miseries you went through in the past, for you finally found the reason why you had to go through them all.
Love is about changing and adjusting. It's you stretching your limits, expanding your perceptions, making allowances for failures.
Love is about trust. It's you taking his hand each time you step on to the escalator.
Love is about assurance. It's him telling you it's okay to take that first step...He's not letting you go...Ever.
Love is about having butterflies in your stomach. It's not there all the time, but when it comes you know it's for real, you know it'll always be there from then on...you know it's forever.
And most importantly, love is forgiveness. It's you getting your heart beaten and battered, stepped on and trampled, broken and shattered. And yet at the end of it all, when you are no longer clouded by the pain, you always come home to the simple fact that whatever hurt you go through would never conquer the intensity and the certainty of what you've chosen to fight for every single day that has passed and will pass...and although crying may drain you all the hope and faith you have, and you may be scarred and worn out to the deepest corners of your soul...in the very end of it all, you know that what you have is the real thing. And it's worth all the moments you are left dumbfounded. Or speechless. Or numb. Or terrified. Or lost. Or scared. Or hurt.
It's worth all the questions you've never really had the courage to ask.
It's worth all the times you say you can't define Love... because anyway, you have the proof of its existence right by your side...
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