Back to the Basics

Someone once told me that when you love someone... you go back to the basics. Always. And what's basic is when you love someone, when you truly love someone... you forget you ever needed anything else in return. And that you love someone not because you want him to love you back. You love him just because. That someone never told me it would be this hard. And although my heart has weathered probably more wounds and injuries a 24-year-old heart should, every single time it gets hurt it feels like it's getting hurt for the first time. I'm not sure if I never ever ever learn my lesson... or if I'm just going back to the basics. :(
I documented this only to remind myself of how selflessly and stupidly in love I've become. Sigh.


I'm sticking it out
I still believe that when u asked me to be with you 2 and half years ago, you were promising to take care of me and love me
I still believe in that eventhough it's highly unlikely
I'm making a fool out of myself
And so is everyone else
And I've allowed that to happen because i love you

I'm not them. I'm not just one of them
I'm not ur fat officemate
Or your gay gym buddy
I'm the girl who gave up everything just to be with you
I DESERVE a little more kindness from you
I deserve it
I'm supposed to feel special
And i haven't felt special for the longest time
And ive been asking myself over and over again why I'd stay in a situation wherein im not happy anymore...
And the answer's simple.
It's only because i love you.
Only because I love you.

On the Verge of Falling Apart

I am on the verge of falling apart.

I can feel bits and pieces of myself breaking away from my entity.

My heart is as heavy as lead.

My eyes long to stay shut.

My hands long to remain unmoving.

My mind desires for peace and quite.

My whole being would just like to be left alone.

So I can shatter without incident.

And I can pick up my brokenness in silence.

I would like to run.

But run where?

I would like to cry.

But cry for how much more? Cry for how much longer?

I would like to fade away into nothingness.

But even nothingness will not have me.

I pray for someone to save me from this misery.

To scoop me out from this despair.

And then I stop and realize…

I should be the one saving myself.

No one else.

No one else.

No one else.

I am on the verge of falling apart.

I can feel bits and pieces of myself breaking away from my entity.

And I call to them…to come back to me…

And save me. :(

Sarah's Letter

This broke my heart. And it made me a bit scatterbrained. The thought that one of the best crime series in town could cradle a love story so complicated and touching...with a beginning so vague and subtle to an ending so abrupt and painful...mesmerizes me. I am awed at things we don't get to see everyday. And a love letter inside the crime world is one of them.



Gil,

You know I love you. I feel I’ve loved you forever. Lately, I haven’t been feeling very well. Truth be told, I’m tired. Out in the desert under the car that night, I realized something and I haven’t been able to shake it. Since my father died, I’ve spent almost my entire life with ghosts, we’ve been like close friends…And out in the desert it occurred to me that it was time for me to bury them. I can’t do that here. I’m so sorry. No matter how hard I tried to fight it off I’m left with a feeling that I have to go. I have no idea where I’m going. But I know I have to do this. If I don’t I’m afraid I’ll self-destruct and worse…you’ll be there to see it happen. Be safe. Know that I tried very hard to stay. Know that you are my one and only. I’ll miss you with every beat of my heart. Our life together was the only home I’ve ever really had. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I love you. I always will. Goodbye…


Sarah


CSI: Season 8

My Wish List (A living document)

You’ll see me add items here continuously…after all, there will always be something more we would like to achieve and get in life. I invite all to make wishes too, and may you make all your wishes come true. *wink* Happy wishing!

I wish…

I could get my hands on a La Mer Treatment foundation. (Categorized under vanity, hehe)

I could spend more time with Mark before he leaves for the US again (after coming home from VA and staying here for only 3 days :( )

I’d find lots and lots of dvds to devour so I won’t be too lonely during the weekends.

I will turn 24 happy.

I could just disappear for a few days…

For my own red Beetle *giggle*

For a much much muuuucccchhhh better health :(

I could go home to CDO right now and cuddle with my mom, my sisters, and our dogs. Hehe.

I could go back to college.

I could be more contented with how things are right now.

I could sing again.

I could take up writing classes.

I were uberly rich so I could quit my job, shop til I drop and get married in Rome in a designer dress and killer shoes. :D

I'll get over it... right away - 08/19

Walking towards me so we can take pictures of the sand, the sky, and eternity... :)