Three-Nineteen

I have a friend who recently confided in me regarding his issues at work. People have been spreading rumors about him dating one of his teammates...who is also a guy.

From what I've gathered, his officemates are making a festivity out of this rumor. And it bothers him because it has bothered his teammate, who has started to let the story affect his job and the way he works. More than that, the rumor has affected their friendship.

Even the people whom he has always treated as good friends have joined the bandwagon of spreading the rumor around and making an absurd and ridiculous story out of it.

He confided in me and asked for my advice as to whether he can bring this up as a complaint and discuss it with their HR department.

And I said: MOST DEFINITELY.

I gave him several points to reiterate when he brings up his complaints:

1. What the other people in the office are doing is harassment. If he and his colleague are already feeling uncomfortable because of the rumor and someone's work is already being affected, someone has to put stop to the nonsense people are spreading around.

2. This behavior among his officemates could serve as a precedent for other employees. My friend is one of the team leaders in his department. If other employees see that it's OK to spread lies and hurtful rumors and stories to their colleagues and even to their leaders, they can do that to someone else, some other colleague, some other leader in the future. And someone has to put his foot down and let them know that it is so not OK.

3. His officemates can reason out that they are just kidding around and all. But one's sexuality and preferences are not something to joke about. I told my friend, in certain groups or certain teams, rumors and stories like this may be acceptable. The parties involved may just shrug it off and say knowingly that they're officemates are just fooling around. Well good for them. The reality is, each one of us have our own limitations. And there's absolutely no reason why we shouldn't respect one another’s limits. My friend has already confronted several people regarding the rumor telling them to drop it...to no avail
of course. Some people would just rather thrive in putting other people down.


In the middle of my friend's rantings to me, he stopped to make one thing clear: He is not gay. He said people may have started the rumor about him and his teammate seeing each other because they've become good friends over the last few months. He said he was even glad he finally found a good guy friend he can share and discuss guy stuff with. He's got a lot of friends but most of them are girls (and no that doesn't make him gay either).

My heart ached for my friend's situation. Clearly the whole thing has caused him some insecurity. I wanted to give him a hug and tell him that not once did I ever think he was gay...And that even if he were, I wouldn't have given a sh**. I loved him for who he was. Whether he ends up being egotistically straight, or a closeted gay, or even weirdly bisexual. I don't care.

This got me thinking...how powerful words can be. And how a single flick of the tongue can wound hearts and lessen one's self dignity and confidence in a jiffy.

A few months ago, I met with my previous manager. Who happens to be a friend of mine. We were talking about my performance at work last year. 2008 was a memorable year for me. It was a year filled with struggles and tears and stress... lots and lots of stress. I handled one of the worst processes and teams anyone could handle in our business. And I had loathed everything about that role from the very beginning.

But I was requested it take it on. And out of respect for the person who requested me to handle the team and the process, I mustered enough energy to actually be passionate about what I was doing.

I was at the office 12-14 hours on a daily average. I had double, triple shifts. I brought my work home on weekends too. I literally bled for that job. Since there was a time when I had a severe cough that was at its 4th week already and my throat was inflamed and bleeding. I had German measles yet I still came to work (I was asked to stay in a different building where nobody was around at night).

Anyway, to get to the point, I gave everything for that job. I gave everything that year. It came to a point when I couldn't handle everything anymore and everything fell apart and crashed down...on me.

My manager told me I did not meet his expectations. Simple, blunt, heart-wrenching.

I did not show any emotion when he told me this. Truth be told I had not expressed any of my feelings to anyone about this until now. Until my friend got hurt in a similar way too.

You see, that manager was someone I was close to at the office. He was a friend. And I tried hard to justify and rationalize, why he would be so blunt and insensitive with the words he chose to describe my performance last year.

Was it because I told him that I had enough, that I've given everything and I wanted to get out of the role and do something else. (I had given my resignation letter, yet they requested that instead of me leaving the company, they'll just transfer me to a different department).

Did my reaching my limits overwrite all the things I sacrificed for that year?

There are so many other ways he could have told me how else I could've improved in that position. Telling me I did not meet his expectations was just something I was not expecting from a good manager, and certainly not from a good friend.

I mean, OK. He thought I could've done more. But I think I gave my all. And I even hit my head on the ceiling of my limitations.

Like I said...everyone has their limits. And mine was obviously not understood...or at the very least respected.

I felt demotivated after that. I felt that after everything I have gone through, I was still not enough. I will never be enough. So why try?

I hope my friend and I can find the strength and courage to look beyond other people's words. We've been affected. But the question now is, can we shake ourselves from this stupor and see ourselves as worthy of our own opinions, and not of others'?

My friend has to find the guts to fight the rumors and fix his friendship with that teammate of his.

And I have to find a way to know, to realize that I am still worth something. If not at work, then at least with my social life.

We both have to believe in ourselves now... More than anything else.